Descriptive: A girl with curly blond hair steps onto a stage. The crowd’s screams are deafening. Girls shake posters and show off their decorated shirts. The girl starts to sing a loud song, and the voices of thousands of girls echo around the room. The girl sits on a stool and strums softly. Thousands of hands wave back and forth. The girl stands to thank her crowd. The girl is Taylor Swift.
Narrative: At the young age of 12, Taylor Swift could play guitar and write music. Realizing their daughter was serious about pursuing music, they moved the family from Pennsylvania out to Nashville, Tennessee when Taylor was 14. There, she preformed at The Bluebird Cafe and caught the attention of Scott Borchetta, who immediately signed her to his new label, Big Machine Records.
Compare/Contrast: Taylor Swift was a shy, bullied, gangly girl with frizzy hair who poured out her emotions into music. Now, she’s a world wide superstar performing for millions.
Thanks! :3
Narrative: At the young age of 12, Taylor Swift could play guitar and write music. Realizing their daughter was serious about pursuing music, they moved the family from Pennsylvania out to Nashville, Tennessee when Taylor was 14. There, she preformed at The Bluebird Cafe and caught the attention of Scott Borchetta, who immediately signed her to his new label, Big Machine Records.
Compare/Contrast: Taylor Swift was a shy, bullied, gangly girl with frizzy hair who poured out her emotions into music. Now, she’s a world wide superstar performing for millions.
Thanks! :3
I think the best is the third, but the first has a lot of potential. Maybe if the sentence structure was a little more varied, the first could be better.
~ IBI
I like the third, although I think you should add a bit more description to lengthen the time between the "then" and "now". The first is good, too, but it is written a little weird. The second sounds a bit too biographical to me.
-Claudia
I like the third, but it seems rather short.
- EJE
The third caught my attention, but the first could be effective as well. Maybe if you added a bit to the third or made the first a bit shorter..
~OMO
Lead 1 seems kinda choppy. Especially to the end. Should probably combine some together.
Lead 2... kinda meh. Not that awesome
Lead 3 is pretty good. The adj. Bullied seems out of place.
Daniel
I agree that your first and third leads are strongest. The first lead has potential and would be stronger if you combined sentences to improve flow; right now, all of your sentences have a simple structure, so it feels choppy. The third lead is really solid, too -- my only suggestion there would be to start off with an ambiguous "she" and then introduce this mystery girl with frizzy hair as T. Swift.
- Mrs. Young