Leads:
Daniel Chen had a wife and two small children. But he still felt empty. Every night after work, he would come home and get a beer from the fridge as his family sadly watched. He was depressed, and he was desperate to find a way out.
Description:
Thousands of eyes are closing. Hands are raised as if pushing through the ceiling. People laugh, cry, and dance. Tonight, nobody cares about how they’re thought of. For them, it’s all about God.
Direct Quote:
“Worship is more about the heart more than the music itself,” said high school sophomore Emily Wong.
Which lead do you like best? Tell me how to fix and improve them, please! :3
<3 Nat
Daniel Chen had a wife and two small children. But he still felt empty. Every night after work, he would come home and get a beer from the fridge as his family sadly watched. He was depressed, and he was desperate to find a way out.
Description:
Thousands of eyes are closing. Hands are raised as if pushing through the ceiling. People laugh, cry, and dance. Tonight, nobody cares about how they’re thought of. For them, it’s all about God.
Direct Quote:
“Worship is more about the heart more than the music itself,” said high school sophomore Emily Wong.
Which lead do you like best? Tell me how to fix and improve them, please! :3
<3 Nat
I really like the second one. It's more powerful and shows how special/out of the ordinary this situation is.
-Clyde
I like #2 the most. It's emotional and gets the reader interested in the story.
I also like #3.
#1 is depressing. But if you re-word it a bit, I think it could be a great lead.
-Fly on the Wall
I like the second lead the most. It really paints a picture in my head and hooks me in when I read it. The third one doesn't seem powerful enough to be a direct quote though.
-Juumbie
Love the second. It's got a great twist to it, since it seems like it's going to be a rave party or whatever, and then it's like... church 'n' stuff. Makes me want to read the article more than the others.
Also, agree with the person above me--it's like, "Okay, so, why is this in a music magazine if it's not about the music, then?"
Two extra comments for the price of one critiquing--1. I love your keyboard, too, and may steal it instead, and 2. ...I forgot.
OUT OF TIME.
--IBI
I like the second lead the best. I don't think the direct quote in the third lead is powerful enough to use as a lead, but you should definitely put it somewhere else in the story.
~ OMO
The second one is AWESOME. It's really interesting.
- EJE
2nd one caught my attention. So it has to be good.
-Yahir
I'm with the rest of your class (peer pressure!), but really, I agree that the second one is best since it paints a scene that I can see in my head.
number 2, sounds powerful
number 1 is... depressing
daniel
The second one is the best, it sets up the scene and makes you want to read more.
Second one works beautifully.
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Quaver of Aux Cable